I’ve been pretty quiet hey…

Well, I have been pretty quiet for quite some time… Why?

I have two very active children, I’m working a few days a week, plus studying and trying to get out there with my photography… Life is very busy….

Since my son has started walking, I barely have time to scratch myself, let a lone write a blog.. You know most days I seriously think… Oh my goodness people who have more then one child are completely and utterly insane.. I mean at the end of the day it is their choice to have as many children as they like.. But goodness. Their life would be incredibly busy..

At My daughters day care the owner told me that she was told, having 2 children is perfectly ideal for a family, you still get to have your own life, plus enjoy your children… See, at this present moment, I think that’s 100% correct.. I’ve been turned off having any more children due to the age of “3”.

The tantrums are awful.. Some days I end up crying.. Why? Becuasse I feel like i’m repeating my self over and over again, I feel like i’m an awful parent.. I barely have time to look after myself and do everything I need to do through out the day, having any more children would just mean I don’t actually socialize at all.

Haha, I barely socialize as It is… I haven’t used facebook in goodness knows how long.. Every time I get on there, there’s some sort of drama or I’ve done something to upset someone.. 

Yes I recently done something that caused a terrible upset to a friend which another had gotten confused and thought I had said something else. Which I feel terrible about so if you know what it’s about don’t feel the need to tell me how much of an idiot I was, I already know!!!

Facebook for me… Is where I mainly am in contact with my friends.. cough cough… Friends?? All my “friends” are online friends.. most I’ve never met before…  There’s a couple I’d LOVE to meet, one being a very good friend Amy, She’s pregnant with her third child. I wouldn’t ever go to the extent of telling her she’s crazy becuase she’s like super mum, she gets everything in routine the moment the baby exits the womb. She’s amazing! we actually met on facebook… Through a foroum I think? I can’t remember, I turn to Amy for lots of parenting advice. Then there’s Vicki, Vicki I’ve know for 4 years this year, we met on MySpace, when we were pregnant with our girls, They are exactly a week apart…

Vicki, Amy and I usually speak every day, Vicki’s just had her third baby, So we don’t speak as much, Amy finds out what she’s having in a few days. So So Excited for Amy!!
Since I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had time to talk to them so often, Let alone think about Facebook… Which if you ask me is the root of all evil! People think they can be keyboard warriors and publicly attack other people on Facebook…

Well, I best be off as my son is now awake, so yes, I am still alive…
Have a great day. 🙂

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Working! Yay!!

So, I have a job!

*Does a victory dance*

I started cold calling businesses! It just so happens that one of the businesses I called, wanted to hire me.

Me? Who the flip would hire me? The girl with no experience, in anything.

No fast food experience,
No face-to-face customer service experience
No retail experience.

I lie, I have previously worked as a telemarketer. Selling funeral insurance.
OMG! I know!
Calling up people’s home, asking

would you like a free quote on funeral insurance?

It still haunts me.

Haha ha, last night, I dreamt about work. Yup! I DREAMT about work! Ha ha! Seems so funny! I am working, while I am only working in fast food, I am working with GREAT people, the bosses are great, managers are great. It’s just a fun job, it goes really quickly. But in saying that. I am really exhausted. Literally, to the point once my head hits the pillow, I am out!

Anyway. Peace out!

I’ve been quiet for a good reason..

So, yes I’ve been quiet lately… Maybe a bit too quiet.

All for a good reason. I am struggling with my weight, struggling with day to day life. Why? I don’t know!!! I have days where I am ok.. But I Put this happy face on. Why? I don’t want feel this way, I don’t really want people knowing how I’m feeling.. Why? I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want people pretending to care, when I know they don’t. I don’t want people pretending they are my friends because they want to know what’s going on in my life.

I have recently reactivated Facebook. I deleted my Instagrams the only reason I reactivated Facebook is because I could not get a hold of a friend. I was concerned so I reactivated..

I seriously don’t know why I bother. I am tired goodnight

Life

Doesn’t it interest you how everything works? How did the earth form? When was there the first cloud. Did Dinosaurs REALLY exsist? What made people want to keep baring children when life is you’re born then you die?

What is the point of life really? Honestly? I have been thinking, do I REALLY want to have another baby, when that baby is only going to die later on in life? What happens if they are not successful? They will just be forgotten about? why am I even alive?? I know I know, this is the way life goes, you’re born the. You die… What you make of your life is up to you. Yes I get that, but honestly… What happens if you aren’t able to become successful? You spend your entire life trying to get somewhere, trying to become successful, trying to become someone, but you die before any of that happens.

Then comes suicide, some people think its selfish, some people think its because a person was strong for so long they just gave up. Some people blame cyber bullies. Some people blame other people for being extremely weak..
What goes through a persons mind right before they kill themselves? Wouldn’t it be grand to know? Wouldn’t it make suicide a little bit more understandable?? I am one person who knows someone who committed suicide, I am one person who has….. attempted suicide. Who was the first person to kill themselves??
Did Jesus really exsist?? I for one, would LOVE to know he answer to that!!! Why do people pray? Why do people obey the laws, why do people break the laws?

Eh, maybe this post is a touch depressing, maybe, maybe not.. Just thoughts that have been running through my head lately..

Catch xx

Exerciseeeeee

Oh I love you. I love you so much. That not a day goes by without me doing something to do with you.

you make me happy.

Yes I am aware how short this entry is… I don’t care If you find it silly or pointless ❤

Good bye,

Good bye 5 kilos, I guess the running around my house and the constant squats seem to be helping woohoo!!!!
5 down, 22 to go. What really got me going again, I weighed myself at the doctor to learn I had put on weight, 7.4 kilos to be exact. Without meaning too, I have stopped drinking coffee entirely, so now when people ask me for a coffee date, it’s really awkward me just bringing a water bottle. I miss coffee, but I don’t miss the 5 kilos I’ve lost. I just don’t see the weight loss, which is the issue. To me I look in the mirror and see this obese girl staring back at back me, is it my mind playing tricks on me?? Or is it reality? No matter how much weight I lose, am I constantly going to see the obese girl staring back at me? Is there something wrong with me to feel this way?? I have always seen myself as being the fat girl. Even at 60 kilos. Man, I was NOT fat. I am going to work my hardest to get back to that, to have people look at me and go WOW!! You’ve lost so much weight, you look AMAZING! I guess no matter how many people tell me wow you look good, I won’t ever see it.
only time will tell.

I have a cake smash this afternoon.. So excited!!!!!
I love photography so much, it’s just an amazing thing to be able to do. Yes there are thousands of freelance photographers who claim that they are the best there is.. I am not going to claim I am the best photographer there is. I will claim I love doing it, I love taking photos, I love capturing precious moments. It’s like nothing bad exists, nothing bad can happen. It’s my happy place which I love so much..

Yes I said in a previous post that I am willing to do anything to get into nursing truth is.. I weighed up the odds. Of the hours of study, then the hours of work, then the tiresome hours of homework, then death. We all know its going to happen to us one day. We don’t know when, how. It just will. I am scared to death of dying… I cannot handle death that well. So I figured, the university didn’t accept me, I don’t exactly have $10,000 to pay for my fees. + what ever else it will cost for family day care.

So I am doing plan B, photography.. This way I can work at home. So when we start ttc for our 3rd and final baby, I can still work from home…

This plan suits a lot better then nursing. I think..

only time will tell if I have made the right choice.

Weight loss and how much I suck at it

As I lay here on my bed in front of my air conditioner all that’s on my mind is the gym. I MISS the gym so much I could seriously cry! I would get EVERY single morning put the kids into crèche and go for my life. 1.5 hours of me time.

36 kilos is what I lost but it’s Not enough, I need to lose more! My husband works full time on the opposite side of Melbourne, I am a stay at home mum of 2 small children. I want nothing more but to be able to run to the end of my street! Since my last post about ‘Social Smoking’ I am glad to say I have NOT touched or wanted a smoke at all, I can sit around my best friends and watch them smoke. Knowing its for my benefit of not smoking and I will be able to be fitter and healthier for my children made it easier.

The question still sits WHY do people do it socially? It’s still doing the same harm! I am watching my mother die from smoking her entire life, my bio mum has started smoking again and I begged her to stop again.

But weight loss. I need to lose more weight, on my wedding day I looked hideous, fat and disgusting. Not something every girl wants to feel on her wedding. I told everyone I felt like a princess, but since recently being a victim of cyber bullying it really did hit me, just how terrible I did look.

People slandering me ALL over the Internet about how I thought I was good I lost 30 kilos… Stand correct you idiots it was 36 kilos, YES I am proud of myself to the point I am confidant enough to wear high heels, never have been confidant to wear heels ever. But being told I still looked hideous and fat, hurt.

I need to lose 25 kilos more. This is not a want its a need. The need to lose 25 kilos is so important. I have an intolerance to gluten (basically undiagnosed coeliac) so I get really sick if I have anything not gluten free..

I am since struggling, I need the motivational support to lose that extra 25 kilos. I literally still cannot stand to look in the mirror or photos. I NEED to lose weight. MORE weight. It’s ridiculous how disgusting I feel.

Once I lose the 25 extra kilos that will make it a total of 61 kilos after having children gone. That would mean I would be LIGHTER then I was when falling pregnant with my children. It would be wonderful to go shopping and not be limited to what I could buy and wear.

It would be wonderful…

LETS DO THIS.

Uni….

So we all know how excited I really was to apply to do nursing and to do my entry exam, right?

Well I passed my entry exam! YAY! I posted my application off for university, I was meant to hear back by Friday of last week. It’s almost Wednesday. I haven’t heard anything.

After the fight with Australia post in getting my application to Victoria university (wrong tracking code I spent a week trying to track something that wasn’t traceable then I got accused of lying to Australia Post for having the incorrect tracking code) it was found and it Was at the university the next day, so all that running around was a waste of time.

I don’t think I got in to nursing. I am seriously, so upset. Nursing is something I wanted to do, to be able to help people, help people get better. While I didn’t really think about the death side of things, I have dealt with so much death in my life I guess it wouldn’t hurt. Dying is apart of life. Once I die, this blog here will be online until the world does end.. Until the sun explodes and life Is no long sustainable on this earth.

Does it scare you? The future I mean? Does that scare you? I am terrified of the future. Do you know why? The work relies on technology so much. You have smart phones, these laptops that turn into tablets, you have cars that so the reversing for you! What’s going to be next? It scares me to how advanced this world is getting. Call me weird I don’t care, I take each day as it comes. I live with my husband and two children and enjoy them.

I have no idea what the future will bring but it does scare me heaps, it scares me so much that everything is going so digital and technologic.

Maybe I am weird. Maybe it will be another 40-50 years before the world becomes a much more scary place then it already is.

My life as cinderella

People have often told me, my life is something along the lines of Cinderella.
I’ve come from a hard life, I met my husband while I was pregnant with my little girl.

I never believed in love at first sight, ever. I met my husband and there was just something there. I wanted this man to be in my life. Did I see myself getting married? No. Did I see myself spending the rest of my life with this person? Yes. In a relationship or just a friendship I wanted him in my life. I officially became his girlfriend on the 11th of December, my due date was the 12th of December. I went into labour on the 13th of December, after a long 36 hour labour my little girl was in the world at 10:34 pm the 14th of December by emergency c section, this man stood by my side through the entire labour, the entire 36 hours. Just before my little girl was bought into the world, I told my husband I loved him. Was it the influence of all the drugs I was under? I don’t know. But you know what? I meant it.

We have our own home now, I am not longer feeling like I am living a hard life now, I feel like he’s my Prince Charming and I am his Cinderella.